I have to blog it out right now. There’s no way I can be productive when I am this stressed out. This is another joy of blogging…. it’s something I enjoy so much, it requires little to no thought at all. I just sit down and write…. maybe I should switch my major to Creative Writing. Writing is the one thing that de-stresses me….
So as I have said before, I am taking 5 classes. So far, I am doing extremely well in all of my classes and if I stay on my current path, I should be passing them all with A’s. But the workload is starting to catch up with me. For one, I am almost completely neglecting my online math class…. if I plan on passing it, I need to do an assignment every day until 4/20. Then there’s humanities. Don’t get me wrong, I love the class and the professor is my most engaging professor yet….. but honestly there is a ton of work in his class. We have weekly readings and outlines. This week it’s The Great Gatsby. I have to outline the entire book by Thursday. I’m only partially finished with the 2nd of 9 chapters. I can do it, and will do it…. but will half kill myself in doing it. I have 3 tests for human growth and development, one test for my college success class, both due by Wednesday. I have a reaction paper due on the 15th and have yet to select a topic for it and have never written in APA format…. so I really should be working on that *now*. The easiest class is English, I don’t have to even put much thought into writing in there, it just comes that easily to me. My process paper that I recently turned in took 45 minutes from start to finish….literally- the brainstorming technique, the first draft, and final draft took 45 minutes…. but even still, 45 minutes is worth more than gold to me these days. I have kids…. THREE kids…. I feel awful when I have to tell them, “Not now sweetie, mommy’s busy”….. Like I seriously just had a mini-meltdown…. Of course the natural thing to do is question whether I should have even went back to school in the first place…. of course I know it was a good idea and no one ever said it was supposed to be easy…. i’m just not very good at managing stress….
I keep telling myself, “Your best is all you have to give.” but even that doesn’t seem good enough. I expect to pass with all A’s. That is my goal. Is that goal too high? Should I tell myself, “You have kids, just settle for a B”? I can’t, i’m too much of a perfectionist. So I am basically killing myself to get those A’s. It’s impossible to do my work with the kids around…. I just scored an 88 on my college success quiz…. REALLY? I mean, at least I can re-take it….. I just can’t seem to find a healthy balance…. On my average day I am up between 5:30 and 6:00…. I get ready and go straight to school. I stay there until about 12:30-1:00 so I can study after classes… By the time I get home, Kevin’s going to work and I am taking care of the kids until 8:00…. If I want to make it the next day, I really should be in bed around 9:00…. since I have to actually bathe my ass and get my shit ready for the next day, that doesn’t really leave much time to study so I am cramming everything into the weekend. I don’t even care that I have no social life. I don’t care that I have no time to myself. All I want to do is pass this semester and I will feel satisfied…. but it’s just so damn hard:-(
I’m done crying now, time to jump on my homework…..