Kal

It’s All in your Head

In All in your head on October 6, 2008 at 7:29 pm

brain If everyone knew exactly what it took to control their own thoughts and the outcome of those thoughts, a lot of people would be out of a job….

This is what I was thinking as the Psychiatrist prescribed me some medicine today. I am so bad at short term memory that I did not catch her name, I couldn’t tell you what she prescribed me and I still am not sure what the other woman was doing in there. I don’t even really know what I was doing there. I don’t know why I need therapy. The whole time she talked to me all I could think about was, “Hmm. I wonder what kind of problems she goes through? Does she remain calm in every situation? What’s her husband like?” I couldn’t imagine living with someone who always seems to have it together because to me that seems not only superhuman, but un-humanlike as well.

I always hated engaging in conversation with a person who was self-absorbed and emotionally unattached. It’s like those conversations never lead to anything productive. Emotions are normal. All of them. If I didn’t feel things the way I feel them then I wouldn’t be me, I might be you. I feel like transforming my entire frame of mind would change me too much for my own good. For the most part, I do believe a lot of people are a product of their own environment. It subconsciously programs our mind to react to different situations differently. Also, everything happens for a reason. Had I have not made so many foolish mistakes in my life, Vayda and Judea would not be here. Who knows, one of them could go on to do extremely big things in life. Imagine how much differently the world would be had someone not swallowed all fears of falling off the flat edge of the world into nothing-ness and discovered America. Many of the smartest people walking this planet are out-of-the-box thinkers. The racing thoughts I have CAN be self-destructive if I allow them to be. But maybe I want something better for my life? Maybe I can use those racing thoughts to my advantage and come up with a brilliant idea. I don’t need medicine to stop my racing thoughts, I need a little guidance on how to manipulate the negative thoughts into positive ones.

I had always been paranoid. Always. My friends were always trying to break me of it but I was scared of certain situations. If I saw a strange car coming towards us I would run and hide in bushes. A lot of people saw that as a flaw. They told me I needed to stop living in fear. So the one time I should have ran but didn’t I got knocked out flat on my ass by a deranged crack head that very well could have killed me and my friend. I love who I am. I just don’t love what I have done with my life at this point. It took a long time, it was not always easy, but after making several mistakes in my life I think I am finally starting to get it together. I don’t think I would have ever gotten to this point had I not made so many stupid decisions and had such a f!@#$% up mentality. I probably would have led a pretty mediocre wife, working a job that I hate because it’s life and you just have to “deal with it”. I will be a writer some day. You have to have a “not-so-typical” way of seeing things to be creative. That’s what creativity is. You see things differently than a lot of people.

It gets overwhelming sometimes when I am so burdened by my thoughts. Like as I type this post, I am fearful of my flight to Chicago day after tomorrow. I had a dream when I was 6 that I was sitting in Jesus’ lap on an airplane going to heaven. Now I am telling myself that it was a premonition that led to this flight. I am thinking of the circumstances as to why I am going in the first place. I just broke up with my fiance but we have since made up. I have also really been itching to see my brother and his family for a while. So no I am turning this into an “everything happens for a reason” scenario and that is why I am taking this flight, my life at this point has only served the purpose of making some kind of impact on the lives around me. Crazy! I know! So I am thinking about scenarios. If someone tried to take over the plane, I would be the one to overcome them. If the plane were to crash, I would be the only survivor. Just crazy stuff. So that is where it burden’s me. But ya know what? I can either take medicine to help me not think like that anymore- OR- I could turn it into a really good plot for a book. The choice is mine.

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