We actually had to leave the house and go to a nearby pay phone to call the cops. We may “appear” to be doing just fine but with the economy as bad as it is, his overtime is gone and I have been looking for a job since I had our daughter in August with no luck.

We came back to our house to see if anything else was missing. You bet! My 32 inch LCD was missing as well. Our back door knob was busted- whoever did it broke into our house with a crow bar or something.

Obviously, I was really devastated about the T.V’s. Mine was a Christmas present from my fiance and the other was one that he hadn’t had very long and was still making payments on. So now we are stuck paying on a T.V we no longer have.

You hear about these things all the time and put very little thought into it. But lets get personal for a second here. These two T.V’s were actually our pride. They belonged to us. My fiance works his ass off to provide for our family, for some low life scum-bag to break into our house and steal something he worked hard for. The sickest part about it is, in front of the T.V were family photos. So they saw we had kids. No conscience whatsoever. We are sitting here worried about how we are going to cover Christmas costs for our kids this year, while someone made off with our stuff as if they deserved it or something.

On top of being devastated about our missing items, I am now fearful. I don’t go outside with my kids while I am at the house alone. Every time I walk in my door, I look around to see if something is missing. I am always looking out my window to see if someone is watching- or checking my doors over and over to make sure they are locked. I check on my kids over and over at night to make sure they are ok and little noises our attic makes has me paranoid that someone is trying to get in a window or something. I don’t feel safe anymore. I don’t know WHO is watching me now- and for what reason. It was T.V’s this time thank God, but what about rapists, serial killers and child abductors?

The world is a very sad place these days. I have a lot on my mind, very little of which is positive. I am scared for my children because though I am only 24, I have seen this world go downhill since I have been here.

I turn the news on and it’s like I am living in a scary movie. People have no hearts. Most of the people doing these things aren’t crazy at all. They are totally aware of what they are doing. But here is the kicker. They think that because THEY have hit hard times, they have the right to take things that don’t belong to them. I am so sure whoever did this to us saw my fiance’s Benz and assumed we had it like that- that we could easily replace it. They may have children of their own. But they don’t feel guilty. They don’t think about how it affects the people they take from. They just don’t think much about it. It drives me crazy every day not knowing who did it and why they did it. Just unbelievable.

There are bigger fish to fry in this world. We have terrorists blowing up buildings, killing innocent people. There are children starving to death. There are people dying from illnesses every day; people dying in car accidents or dying on the job somewhere. There is absolutely no call for making life harder for people, it’s hard enough as it is.

I do not have a job right now and we are not doing great financially. I do not use this as an excuse to insinuate anyone owes me anything in life. I can’t wait to find another job and once again become a productive citizen, contributing to society in some way. That’s what life is about. If you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem. These acts of violence and pure hatred always comes back to haunt these people, I hope whoever did it understands that one. While I sit here and scare myself to death, wondering who is watching me, I hope they wonder to themselves when their punishment will come- and in what form it will be. What goes around ALWAYS always comes around.

I will get to my point, I promise. But first, ask yourself this question. When is the last time you unselfishly gave provided your services, a helping hand or genuine concern to a perfect stranger in their time of need? I’m not talking about tossing a dollar bill out the window in the direction of a beggar in the median of a busy road, either. I am not talking about simply holding open a door for an old woman to impress your date. When is the last time you put in real work for a good cause? I don’t think I ever have.

I am by no means a selfish person. I have been very helpful to many people when they needed it the most. I have a big heart, I promise.

Lately I have been thinking about a lot of my own morals and beliefs. Pardon me if I am not supposed to say this, wouldn’t want to offend anyone- I am pro-life all the way. I sit here huffing and puffing about the new President’s agenda and how it affects the innocent lives yet to see the light of day, but honest to God himself, what have I done for the cause? What exactly have I done to fight this? Absolutely nothing but flap, flap and more flap.

Is that the best I can do? Sit here and debate it with people? Is this the impression I want to give people about myself- someone who is all talk game but doesn’t play? Certainly not.

I am going through my own personal crisis. I want to get back in school more than anyone could possibly imagine. Every time I think about it I am reminded by all the chances I blew and what I would give to get that wasted time back and put it to good use.

I am in much need of a job right now. I am dumping my load on my fiance and that isn’t fair to him. I have tried to find a job but they just aren’t there. I have a lot of experience with Microsoft office and such, I KNOW a receptionist position would be well in my league (lol) but I don’t “qualify” because I have no “real” experience other than in the comfort of my own home.

I am tired of sitting here day in and day out, life is not meant to be lived like this. It’s meant to be- lived.

-and then it dawned on me. Why haven’t I volunteered? (here is where I really put my ego under my own foot) I have no excuses. I haven’t been “busy”. I dropped out of school in the 7th grade. I got my GED at age 16 and got right in college. I was smart enough for college but just not mentally prepared to take on responsibility. The only responsibility I had back in the day was hanging pictures on my walls and making sure I shoved my junk under my bed. I did nothing. I got jobs and quit them. Got in school and quit. This cycle lasted for many years.

I wish I could have the same people in my life, my son, my daughter, fiance, just everyone and the same conditions- yet still give life another go. I never lived. I was never “alive” for a cause. It was always my own interests in mind.

What I would give to turn back the hand on the clock and devote myself to something. Why couldn’t I have just volunteered at a homeless shelter? Help children who lack the proper guidance. Raise money for charities that supply basic necessities to people less fortunate than myself?

I can’t stand watching the infomercial’s about starving children, women who were victims of domestic violence, animals who have been neglected- I will seriously cry. But what exactly have I done?

I don’t think that I can change the world but I know I had the chance to make a difference in someone’s life and I am so sick with myself right now just thinking that I wasted time that other people needed- that I needed.

I have no one to blame for my current situation other than myself. I did this to myself. I took life for granted.

The saddest part about it is, it’s out of my character to *not* do for people. If someone genuinely needed my help, I was always there to help. I get this from my dad. I just could have done so much more.

So now, while I am on my job search, I refuse to just sit here. I mean, I do have kids so I am not really just “sitting here” but there are things I could be doing for people. How could I ever expect someone to help me in my time of need when I failed to help the billions of people world wide who are crying out for help? Even if I don’t go through an organization to do it, I am a smart girl, I could do it myself. Even if it meant just donating things that I don’t exactly need or use right now to someone who could REALLY benefit from them.

This isn’t even about “look what I’m doing”. It would bring personal satisfaction to know that I have unselfishly devoted my time and effort to help someone in their darkest hour.

This is the kind of thinking that keeps us from making progress in the right direction. This prevents us from seeing the real change we need not only in this country, but in the entire world. Yes, I do believe they help a great deal and voting is crucial- I don’t believe this is the final answer. Until we as Americans and we as humanity in general accept our own accountability, we will never reach that common ground we all strive to achieve.

If you have a problem with the way things are run, your voice can create a following. The greatest leaders of the world have one major component in common- they spoke up. How ridiculous is it for us to think that all we can do to affect our country and the way things are run is to vote? That is a fool’s way of thinking. If we never speak up, nothing will ever change. If it weren’t for the actions of the people ACTIVELY involved in the civil rights movement, there wouldn’t even be a possibility of a black president. If there weren’t people throughout history fighting for woman’s rights we wouldn’t even have the right to vote, let alone run for the presidency! This is an amazing time we live in and it could only get better if we all accept our own responsibilities in society and start making the changes we so hope to accomplish. Quit leaving it up to those “in charge” and start taking charge.

If your child’s school is not being run properly, don’t sit around and wait for someone else to speak up. Speak up! Stand up for what YOU believe is right. If you are tired of hitting potholes on a certain street you can’t avoid, speak up about it. I am sure no one likes having to drive over potholes. Form a petition. Harass the proper people to harass until they get so tired of answering your calls, getting your e-mails and hearing from you in any way, they may just do something about it!

The one’s with the loudest voices are the ones who are heard. So if you choose to sit around and do nothing for yourself, do nothing for those around you, do nothing to assist in the change you hope to see, then don’t complain when nothing happens. If you are so passionate about an issue, get involved!

No matter who wins this race, wether it is McCain or Obama, they alone will not be able to produce miracles. They will not be able to totally deliver everything you want to see. So until you assume your responsibilities as an American citizen and contribute to society however you deem necessary, don’t complain about not seeing change. Change will ALWAYS start with the people.

We don’t know what people’s deal is. The person driving next to you could be on a suicidal mission, ready to take themselves out and anyone who crosses their path. The driver in front of you could be totally plastered. There are so many scenarios that play out day to day. After years of driving, people tend to totally put their guard down until they dodge the bullet. Think about it. You are driving down a two-way street. The lanes are narrow. There is no median, nothing blocking oncoming traffic from colliding head on with you, other than paint on the road. No barrier. What is stopping that person from smashing into you? Because they don’t want to die, right? Well what if they do? Or, what if they are smoking and take their eye off the road for two seconds to put their cigarette out? What if they are tired? What if they are drunk? High? Every time we get into our car, we are putting our lives in the hands of the drivers around us.

It’s great that people consider themselves to be “good drivers” but that is only half the battle my friends. I don’t care how much you have perfected your skill over the years, if you are driving by another person who has an “issue” then your skill isn’t very beneficial. I know you can’t live life worrying, “what if I died in a car accident today” but in a way, that’s kind of what you have to do. You have to anticipate each move the drivers around you could possibly make. When your light turns green, you have to anticipate that someone could run that light- then what? When you are coming around a blind corner, you have to think, a woman could be crossing the street while pushing a stroller. When you are trying to merge onto the interstate, you have to assume the person speeding up will beat you if you race them, in turn, running your car off the road. When you are riding someones bumper, think about what would happen if they were to slam on breaks. You can’t be a passive driver. Most of the accidents I have heard of were seemingly unpredictable and happened in a “I didn’t see it coming, it happened so fast” manner. In the blink of an eye, your car could be tossed off the side of a bridge. It’s that serious.

I have never been in a car accident. I have always followed my hunches and these hunches is what’s keeping me alive everytime I make my daily commute to wherever I am going. I had a close friend that died in a car accident. He was a passenger and his brother was high. He lost control of his car and smashed into a light pole- that light pole hit directly where his little brother was sitting and he was killed. It’s like that. I fear for my fiance’s life everytime he pulls out of the driveway because I just hope and pray he drives defensively that day and nothing happens to him. We have all had our moments where we aren’t paying close enough attention and when you allow yourself to be vulnerable like that, those are the times you are most likely to crash. I love life. I have a newborn daughter and a son in Pre-K. Don’t take my life just because you didn’t feel like paying attention that day. Don’t kill my fiance just because you assumed you had things under control. Always be aware of your surroundings and drive as if you already knew you would get in an accident that day.

There are certain actions of other people that stand out in my mind. Some good, some bad. I have a great memory  and will sometimes remember the weirdest things. But still, I want people to really understand that what you say and do today could affect someone for the rest of their life. It could be something as small as a thought you put in their head or it could be enormous and affect their decisions for the rest of their life. The truth is, we impact each other. We all tie into this web of life, so think before you speak.

I remember when I was in third grade. We had to complete a short story and read it in front of the class- this was something I always loved to do and always did my best at it. I loved the movie “Milo and Otis” back then, you know, the one about the dog and the cat. Lame. I know. So I thought of a good story featuring those characters. It was basically about how their owners went away for the day and they destroyed the house while they were gone. The story was basically about how they were going to clean the house before their owners got back. The only thing I took from the movie was the characters, I guess it was my own “Part Two” of the movie. My turn came around to read the story out loud, “Milo and Otis destro-” Was about all I could get out. The teacher immediately shut me up, accusing me of not doing my work and copying the movie. Every time I opened my mouth to explain to her that I didn’t copy anything, she shut me up. She ended up ripping my story apart and throwing it away. To this day, I still wish that I could find her somehow and tell her how wrong she was and finally get my words out that I had not copied anything. It bothered me that bad.

When I was in college, I was pretty much a slacker. I was really bad at math and that sort of de-motivated me to excel in any subject, really. I always thought, “If I don’t pass math it won’t matter how good I am at anything else anyways”. So I didn’t even try. I was walking past the tables outside before class and saw one of my classmates passed out on the table. I woke her up and told her that class was about to start. After class, I saw her back at the tables. I stopped to talk to her, get to know her. She was maybe in her 30′s at the time, I was only 16. I was talking about how hard college was for me because of math. She told me how hard college was for her because her husband of 10+ years cheated on her with her best friend, took the house, took the car and left her a single mother of 3 kids. She worked full time and went to school full time. I will remember that forever and sometimes thinking about that motivates me to try harder. This woman seriously got most of her sleep at the tables outside the cafe at our college. If that doesn’t motivate you, I don’t know what else will.

I remember the little things. I remember a lot of the times I was congratulated for my hard work and then I remember times that I was blown off or ridiculed. Those kind of things stick with people. I am sure that in some way, I have managed to affect someones life. I only hope it was for the better. I would never want to be responsible for someone else’s ill feelings towards life. That’s something I don’t want to contribute to. It’s funny how years can go by and we forget a lot of little things we have seen along the way, but still manage to cling to those small, quick moments that other people would see as being insignificant.

Maybe this is why I enjoy posting like this. As I have said before, I have about 400 posts on my Myspace blog and am now consumed by this one. There is just something powerful in knowing that somewhere, someone could possibly be clinging to your words as their last hope. Someone could be changed forever just by taking a look at my page. Whether it’s from reading what I write or simply by taking up some of their time to take a look, I have affected someone in some way. I love feeling that. But whatever I do, I will try my best to leave a good imprint on people. I will try to affect someone for the better. Sometimes life can make us feel insignificant but take a look around you. We *are* life. We *make* life. Our interaction with each other is what keeps us going. So let’s keep it positive and leave our mark on someone else’s mind for a good cause.

It’s hard to explain to other people how real a panic attack is. “It”s all in your head.” I am sure you have hear that one 763,345,866,234.5 times. It is in your head and that’s the problem. It really feels like you are dying. Like you are really about to kick the bucket. It’s hard to tell your brain to stop thinking. The brain thinks what it wants sometimes. If you feel something, you feel it. It’s real. You may not be about to die but you damn sure feel like it- and who EVER wants to feel that, really?

I used to get panic attacks. There was a point in time where I would get them several times a day. I can clearly remember one. I was sitting in my room, doing God knows what. I was like 18 I guess. Anyhow, I was going through alot back then. Rebelling against my parents, trying to find out who I was and what I wanted to do with myself. I felt pretty worthless back then and that feeling made me think I was going to die. Maybe deep down inside I felt like I *should* die because I wasn’t doing anything with my life, so what was the difference? But no, I didn’t want to die. It was just the whole ~not knowing~ when I would appear in the big show that freaked me out. So anyways, I was sitting in my room. A song by Aaliyah came on. This was after she died. It made me think about how crazy it was that she died. Like, why her? That made me think about me dying. Then my crazy ass started telling myself that the song came on as a “sign”. That was a “sign” that I was gonna die. My heart started racing, I just lost it. I could barely breathe. I kept checking my pulse. I had my dad check my pulse and the more I thought, the faster it would beat. The faster it would beat, the more out of control I became. I spent many nights in the ER trying to convince Dr’s that I was going to die. I honestly thought I had a heart problem and got mad when they told me I wasn’t having a heart attack, I was having a panic attack. It was insulting that no one was taking me serious. There I was having flashbacks of my life in my head thinking to myself, “This is it. Say good-bye.” No one should have to feel like that more than once in their life. I felt it everyday.

I was prescribed xanax. I took it and it made me feel great! No more panic attacks. Why? Because I didn’t care. That shit made me feel like I didn’t care WHAT happened. You could tell me, “Kristi get out of the road a car is coming” and I would probably laugh and be like, “Oh for real?” and continue walking- and smiling. I looked forward  to taking them. Thank God I was a smart girl and realized I was looking forward to them WAY too much. As soon as I caught onto the fact that I was forming an addiction to them, I stopped taking them. I started a journal and faced my panic attacks head-on. Every time I had one, I wrote it down. I wrote down what thought brought it on, what I felt like during it, how I felt afterwards, etc. Eventually I got tired of writing about them. When I felt one coming on I would sit in my room and count objects. How many pictures are on my wall. How many red items can I find in my room. I would draw very detailed pictures that required a lot of patience. Anything I could do to keep my mind off of the panic attack. I informed myself. When I would get one I would know up front where it came from, why I was having it, what’s gonna happen, how long it will last, etc. That’s all you have to do. Just let yourself have them. The more informed you become over them, the less you will worry.

I get them every once in a blue moon, I mean really maybe once or twice in a year. The last time I had one was a couple months ago. I just had my daughter and was bleeding pretty heavily. I was so scarred that I wasn’t healing properly from childbirth and that I may be losing too much blood. I was driving in the car with my parents, obsessing over my “symptoms”. What symptoms? Postpartum hemorrhaging. Yep, I really thought I was hemorrhaging. I assume if someone were hemorrhaging they wouldn’t question it or have time to google it- they would know. But I was in the car and I started getting shooting pains. Gas pains FREAK ME OUT. I thought I was having a heart attack. It was JUST GAS lol. But I told myself it wasn’t and had the panic attack….while driving. I didn’t want to wreck the car so I worked through it and GOT OVER IT. I didn’t die. It wasn’t a heart attack it was fricken gas.

If you want to live like that, suit yourself. If you want to take a pill for it for the rest of your life, go right on ahead. But from my own experience, you can get over them. And even if they don’t totally go away you can at least educate yourself enough about them so you can work through them. No one should have to live life thinking everyday is their last. No one should jump to take a pill for something unless they have made an HONEST ATTEMPT at getting over it with no assistance. I did it. I’m proof that you can get past them.

When I was little, big people (adults) were big people. All of them were the same. Sure, some were a little bit more interesting and fun to be around than others, nevertheless they  were all the same. Adults. As I got older, this concept slowly diminished. Now, at my current age, I cannot believe there are seriously some 45 yearold men and women out there still doing the same shit they did at my age- or younger.

Some people just never really get it together. Even I am a slow starter. It has taken me a while to realize the er of my ways, but i’m getting it. Some people in all conscience do not grow up. I have carried on conversations with people twice my age and couldn’t shake the feeling that I was speaking to someone half my age. It’s that bad with some people. I see grown women still running around like hussies, trying to live it up in nightclubs and bars. I have seen older men (so old they qualify for social security) still chasing girls in their early twenties. I have witnessed firsthand men that have never accepted fatherhood and are still trying to be parented by their own mommy’s and daddy’s. And even I  am guilty of escaping responsibility and putting it off on other people. It’s that “I don’t wanna grow up, i’m a Toy’s R Us kid” mentality. But I am eternally grateful that I can realize this at age 24 rather than 54. There may be a chance for me.

Since I have gotten older, many  things have changed. Some minor things and some major things. My taste has changed. I used to swear I hated onions and now I could bite one raw- and enjoy it. This revelation is making me wanna go eat a big  bowl of beans, something I haven’t had since I was maybe 7 years old. My style has also changed. I no longer get the urge to dye my hair blue. Funny, huh? I also think it’s tacky to hold my son’s hand with one hand and smoke a cigarrette in the other. I no longer want to make my boobs noticeable, I want to hide them. I actually would like to burn every article of clothing that I have and trust me, when I get the extra cash I will roast marshmellow’s over my old clothes and buy some big girl clothes. My taste in music changed pretty early on. I was once embarassed to let people know I actually liked rock and oldies and basically anything outside of rap. It just wasn’t “cool” back then. But I came around and now I boastfully listen to anything that is pleasing to my ear. Matter of fact, I have lost alot of interest in the typical rap music. Only if it has a good beat and nice flow will I listen to vulgar rap. And definitely not around my kids anymore. I strictly obey the law without enforcement- I actually respect law abiding citizens. My whole perspective on life has changed. My view of other people has changed. I have changed.

You really can’t generalize people because it usually never works. You can’t say someone 18 years old is too young to get married because there are some 18 year old’s out there that are already mature enough to take on that role. You can’t say someone 30 years old needs to hurry up and settle down because there are some 30 year old’s out there that act like they are 16. That’s just the way it is. Maturity doesn’t come with age, it comes with wisdom. I wish my present-self could have somehow materialized to my 16 year old self- then sat down and had a heart to heart. But back then I was so stuck in my ways even *I* couldn’t convince myself otherwise. You could have said to me, “Kristi, look. If you focus on getting down to business now, then by age 24 you  will have a couple million dollars sitting in your bank acount” and I would have pretended to care and then went about my own idea of “business”. There is no amount of talking, bribing and convincing you could do for someone of that maturity level.

So where am I at now? I’m on a mission to better myself. What does that entail? I can’t continue to put things off. I can’t rely so much on other people. MY parents are not meant to be full-time babysitters, or even on-call at my whim. It doesn’t work like that. My fiance should never have had to go through the stress of maintaining a household by the skin of his teeth so I could lay my pregnant ass on the couch getting fatter. I can’t keep running away when conditions get too demanding. Maturity means you will sacrifice sleep to make things happen. You will give up wild nights of drinking and carrying on to make sure you make it to work on time the next day. You will do all that’s necessary to progress in life and stop making excuses as to why things don’t go your way. No one is to blame for any problems you have or material posessions you don’t have. Mom and dad raised you now it’s time you show them they didnt’ do a bad job at it. Get up, get out and get something.

I guess the saying bears some truth to it- “You never know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.” I know that’s right. I find my mind in an almost constant state of turmoil. I just had a baby on August 1st, not to mention just enduring those nine months of pregnancy- and there was no mistaking the pregnancy hormones and symptoms. It’s been tough. Financial problems seem to be wreaking havoc on everyone I know. The typical ups and downs that come with a commited relationship have not missed their appearance. My son who is developmentally delayed has seemed to be out to get me. My newborn daughter has her newborn needs. All the while there is a house to clean, dinner to cook, baths to be given, monsters to eliminate, it can be bombarding.

Man, I have alot to appreciate. Some people in this world would give anything to get pregnant and experience childbirth and there I was complaining of God’s most precious gift– life. The well off population has forgotten how good it feels to get an unexpected $100. MY son may be developmentally delayed but that makes the new things he learns how to say much more significant. Like mom’s always cherish those, “I love you, mommy”‘s but I REALLY cherish them considering how long I waited for those words. And my newborn daughter… it wasn’t very long ago that my big boy was an itty bitty baby that I rocked to sleep in my arms. And I swear I have missed that so much and just feel like grabbing him and saying, “Sloooowwww dooowwwwnnnn!” He is just growing too fast! So I should cherish these moments I have with my daughter. Soon they will both have “Keep Out” signs on their door and beg me to drop them off “down the street” so their friends don’t see me. And the ups and downs with Kevin? What am I complaining about? I am so thrilled to even be ABLE to argue with someone from time to time because it was like yesterday I was crying myself to sleep, lonely as hell.

It’s so easy to take the small things in life for granted. We often put our worth in the *things* we have. We forget about the *people* we have. I look forward to Sunday’s because Sunday is usually the only day Kevin has off. I love watching Judea get off the bus because you can tell he really missed me while he was at school. I love watching my daughter look at me, wondering how much she knows about the world around her, watching all of her firsts. I love spending Christmas decorating the house. I love baking huge meals. I love getting a quart of Colt 45 and listening to old music with Kevin. I love when my son gives me a hug out of nowhere. I just really love my life and the people in it. There are so many small things that occur -EVERY DAY- that are worth more to me than anything money could ever buy and I would not trade these simple moments for all of the riches this world has to offer.

Life is not always easy and the only thing that is certain IS that life itself is uncertain. We tend to wait for a tragedy to occur before it hits us- we are only promised one life. There is one life to get it right. You could be here today and gone tomorrow morning. I would imagine that has got to e one of the saddest things to experience- living with regrets. I want to know that I am the best mom I can possibly be. I want to know that I am there for my children and that I contribute to their future success. I want to be there for Kevin as his partner in life, the one he can turn to for anything he needs. I want him and the kids to KNOW I love them; that I appreciate them for who they are and the joy they bring in my life.

I have experienced the comedy and tragedy of life. I am finally at the point where I am actively  learning how to take the bitter with the sweet. Looking back, I remember the pains of labor but what stands out the most is holding my baby boy and baby girl in my arms for the very first time. The sleepless nights of constant feeding and consoling will soon be a thing of the past and it will be on to the next chapter of parenthood. The days of walking beside my son as he rides his bike with training wheels will fade away and I will be teaching him how to drive a car. Instead of changing my daughter’s diaper I will be doing her hair and makeup for prom. These moments have to last for all they are worth- which is more than anyone who hasn’t experienced them will ever know.

We complain. We get sucked into the daily grind and we pray for the day that life is effortless. The day where money is no longer an issue, time is not pressed, no more spilling coffee on ourselves while trying to conquer rush hour traffic, no more fighting with our S/O about why the house is a wreck or why we aren’t getting “attention” or even looking forward to the day our children our no longer dependent upon us for basic needs. But these are the blessings of life. If you just take a step back and look at what you have, I guarantee it is more than you give credit for. So hold those tough times close to your heart because I promise you will someday miss them.

If you are going through a difficult time, if you are beyond stressed about the natural (and it is natural) course of life, then just take at least 30 minutes to yourself. Go through all of your old photographs of good times, listen to old music that reminds you of the bad times, think about the ups and downs that  have brought you to where you are in life. Life is a journey and it is one to be experienced and enjoyed. Don’t let the good in life pass you by.

Idealist Portrait of the Champion (ENFP)

Like the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and a great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can’t wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.

Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what’s possible.

Champions are good with people and usually have a wide range of personal relationships. They are warm and full of energy with their friends. They are likable and at ease with colleagues, and handle their employees or students with great skill. They are good in public and on the telephone, and are so spontaneous and dramatic that others love to be in their company. Champions are positive, exuberant people, and often their confidence in the goodness of life and of human nature makes good things happen.

Joan Baez, Phil Donahue, Paul Robeson, Bill Moyer, Elizibeth Cady Stanton, Joeseph Campbell, Edith Wharton, Sargent Shriver, Charles Dickens, and Upton Sinclair are examples of Idealist Champions.

So that is my profile. I knew it. I am a champion lol. It’s very aggrivating though. My Grandma always told me that I am too smart for my own good sometimes. And really, she’s right. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I am pretty clever. But I am so clever that I am plagued by self-doubt, always challenging my abilities and feeling that I am just not good enough. I get hung up on the details of life and it’s hard to really finish the things I initiate. I make life a little bit too complex than it has to be. I don’t do well with medicority. I have to know I am the best. I have to be sure of myself. I am not a risk-taker. It’s just not my style. Potential failure is disasterous to me so if I feel that there is a slight possibility of me failing, I steer clear. I may not do much but whatever I actually do you better believe it is getting done right. I hate being defeated. Last night my fiance and I were playing a triva game online and it was pissing me off to no end that he kept beating me. So I played him over and over again. Thats how I roll. I will stand out. I will make sure that my abilities out perform others’. Whenever we would get term papers in college, my ultimate goal was always to have the best paper. I couldn’t just be satisfied with getting an A. I needed feedback. I needed confirmation. I needed to be recognized. And I was- everytime. Everytime I wrote a paper it was the best.

It’s tiring, though. Very, very tiring. I am in Chicago right now visiting my brother and his family. They have that game Rock Band. I seriously want to play it constantly because as crazy as it sounds, I want to be better at it that anyone else LOL. Like seriously, I want a perfect score, everytime. This is exactly why  I try to limit myself. I don’t even watch TV because whatever I watch, I obsess over. The only things I watch on TV are HGTV and the NEWS. And I obsess over both of them. God forbid I really got into politics. I would seriously have to know the ins and outs of every aspect of politics to the point I could possibly run for President! That’s how crazy into things I get. I rarely clean unless I know that it will be perfect. I just have to be the best at everything.

As far as being intuitive, that is probably the best/worst aspect of me. I find myself reading people way too much. I sense things. It’s like my subconscious never rests. And no, I do not think I am psychic. But it’s like someone who is so good at the guitar that they put no thought into it whatsoever. They can do it blindfolded. It’s always running on auto-pilot. I am forever reading body language, analyzing the tone to someone’s voice, their eye movement, just the whole deal. But I dont consciously do it, it just comes naturally. So it’s very easy for me to tell what someone is about, I am very rarely wrong about someone. But you can’t explain that to other people. I can’t explain that to someone who doesn’t think the way I think or feel the way I feel because it’s so subtle it can go unnoticed. Like my fiance. He had a friend that I just didn’t like. It was just something about him. He didn’t outright do anything wrong but I could tell he was the type of person that could really screw someone over. So my fiance thought that I was just trying to control who he hangs out with. That wasn’t the case, it was just this one particular person that I did not like. Lo and behold this guy not only screwed my fiance over, he screwed over his own family. Just mentally retarded. And to me it was obvious he was like that but I guess not everyone picks that stuff up.

So more into this. There was an extended period of time where I was completely lonely and single. Every guy I met was not “suitable”. So I distanced myself from guys. I would avoid phone calls. I wouldn’t click with them. But when I met my fiance I could immediately tell he was a good person with good intentions. So my natural impatience tells me to rush things. I really did rush him. Because I see possibilities and it’s hard to let things run their own course, I like to skip all the inbetweens and get right down to business. So I always come off as bossy and pushy. But I just knew there was a good thing between me and him. Really, try explaining to someone that you just “know” something when they don’t just “know” it. That’s all I can say about it. Somethings I just “know”. And 90% of the time, I am right. I just am. So there ya go. Too smart for my own good.

This test was a little off though. I don’t have to “strive” towards personal authenticity. I have been authentic from day one. I have always been true to myself and who I am and have been very confident of who I am as a person. Ah. I just have to read this again. I love it lol.